Help (I need somebody)

One week ago today my husband & I were sitting on our deck drinking coffee around 9:30ish am.  The weather was gorgeous, the kids were asleep and the cats were watching us through the windows.  The birds were singing, a few dogs barking, but all in all, a pretty peaceful scene... until 'BANG'!!! We looked at each other and no one said a word but we both thought the same thing ... gun shot.  Now we don't live in the ghetto but we hear a lot of fireworks and occasional shots that sound like pellet guns & such so to be honest, we didn't say a word to each other, just a glance, then back to our coffee.

About an hour later we decided to take a family bike ride.  While out we noticed a LOT of police activity approx. 5 doors down.  First thing my husband said to me "remember what we heard earlier?".  It hadn't even crossed my over-busy mind.  An hour later, a forensics van arrived.

Long and short of it, after a few phone calls to neighbors I found out that the couple who lived in that house had been going through (or getting ready to) a divorce.  The husband apparently had come to the house while the wife was out, mowed the lawn, then shot himself in the backyard.  His son found him.

My first relief was that there was no break-in or murder among our quiet 'hood, however when reality set in I was highly disturbed by the thought that I heard the sound that took another human beings last moment on this earth...and it was only a short walk from my own home.

I can luckily say that I have no experience with suicide, nor do I wish to. It scares me.  It doesn't solve anything and what I have witnessed is the pain and suffering that it causes those left behind. 
My intention with this blog is not to rant on sad, depressing or bitchy things but as the topics come up, I take them and run with them.  It took me a week to decide whether or not to address this so here we are.

I have been depressed.  Clinically. Emotionally.  Mentally. Classify it how you wish but even in what I considered my darkest hour I never thought of ending my life because of it.  Depression is real and if you have never experienced it consider yourself lucky.  It isn't bullshit and it isn't something someone does for attention.  If they are truly depressed, it is an illness, a chemical imbalance in the brain.  It can be caused by the genes floating around in your body or it can be the result of a traumatic event (situational). After weeks and weeks of my freaky behavior I decided to address it and to this day I am thankful that I did. Noticed it, got it treated, moved on with my life.

Life presents many gifts in life and they aren't all good.  Death, divorce, termination, ridicule, there is a big nasty list of reasons to be pissed off and sad but there is ALWAYS a brighter side.  A shelter to house you, a kitchen to feed you, a church to guide you.  
I am not an expert, a doctor, a social worker, or a psychiatrist.  I am another human being who has compassion for others whether human or four-legged.  This past 3 years has aged me rapidly due to many stressful situations that were out of my control.  They brought me down but I always had faith that life would get better.  Even in the event that my "worst enemy" (so to speak) was in dire straights I would be the girl voted "Most likely to help an asshole even though they screwed me over" because that's just how I am.  
This world (and this country) is losing its compassion for each other in a rapid succession day by day.  In the words of the great Metallica, it is Sad But True.  We are all about me me me and it needs to change.

Reach out and help your fellow man, woman, or child.  If you know someone who is showing signs of depression or even worse, desperation, see what you can do and how you can help.  It can be something as simple as listening, sharing a meal, or guiding that person to the resources they need to get back on a clear path to happiness.

Life is a beautiful thing, don't waste it, regret it, end it ,or let it pass you by. 
xoxoxo

Fear Factor

"Fear not what you can do yourself, but fear what others can do to you!"... wait, that's not it... "The only thing we have to fear, is the fear of other idiots!".... nope... one more... "fear is only as deep as you let your enemies drive it into you"... sigh...

Okay, don't quote me then.  Fear sucks. Fear of heights, fear of snakes, fear of death.  But I think the biggest fear is the fear instilled by another human being which in turn, causes us to have fear within ourselves.

I have been involved in a few situations in the past few years that have brought me a little closer to the fear factor.  People get off on trying to scare you, to intimidate you, to create fear.  It has been family related, money related, and legally related.  What I find the most interesting of all is that the basic idea behind all of these things is to make someone else feel like shit.  

When you think positive, you feel positive, and when you feel positive it can do two things: 1) Make those around you feel better, about themselves, about the day, whatever. 2) Make those who have a problem with you REALLY pissed off.  

The last thing your arch nemesis wants for you is to succeed and be happy.  Hopefully you don't have an "arch nemesis" in your life but more likely than not you have encountered those who have some beef with you.  These are typically miserable, negative, saddened, lonely people who are not happy or satisfied with their own lives.  By lonely I don't mean alone.  You can have 20 people standing around you at all times and still be lonely.  How so? Because you are not happy or fulfilled with your own self.  If you don't like YOU then how can you expect others to follow suit? It is hard to convince people to think "damn that chick is awesome" if you look in the mirror every day thinking you are an unhappy, unattractive, unwealthy, unhealthy, etc.. etc... individual.  

Life brings us experiences and with experience comes mistakes.  We all make mistakes.  We are not perfect and we should never claim to be.  I've made more mistakes than I care to admit but I've learned from each and every one of them & hopefully, won't repeat them.  When you learn from them, you persevere.  When you repeat them, well... you are an idiot. 

There is this thing called forgiveness.  You don't have to forget what someone did to you but you can forgive them.  This is an individual choice and one that is hard to do for some people, sometimes you simply can't forgive someone for their actions if they are just that bad.   But I've learned a few things this past few years about forgiveness.  It is much easier and healthier than hate and plotting revenge.  I've even taken to forgiving some real shitbags simply because I feel sorry for them.  When you are in your teens & 20's it can be common to have that "get even" spirit.  I've been there, I've done it.  She said, he said, I'm going to call her & tell her, you call them and tell them, lets stir the proverbial pot.  When you are young (I hate to admit it) it's fun.  As you get older, hopefully you realize that the idea of "sweet revenge" isn't really all that fun... it is draining and taxing and frankly I have better things to do with my life than spend another moment on someone else's anger and stupidity.

So much for getting off track.  Fear.  When someone is pissed at you they can threaten you, taunt you, hate you, or plot against you.  This takes effort and energy.  What they want to create is fear and misery.  When you give in to that fear, they win.  Same goes for fear created in our day to day lives.  Our world is scary but you have to life your life each day to the fullest if you can.  Just as there was a horrific massacre in a Kenyan mall last week, you or I could find ourselves standing in the wrong building at the wrong time and someone could shoot me or blow up the place I stand.  I'm not trying to be morbid but I am trying to be realistic because this is the world we have created and the one we live in.  

Life is short.  As I sit her typing, this is my life.  It is passing me by with each and every second, minute, hour and day and once it passes, I can't get it back.  Neither can you.  My 45th birthday is in a few weeks and I reflect back to my mother saying "time flies by, before you know it you'll by my age!"... Yup... she was right. As far as I am concerned, I was 30, like... a week ago.  I realize that giving in to the fear that these idiots in my life are creating is senseless.  I have a great family both immediate and by marriage, great friends and students and I simply cannot live life looking over my shoulder waiting to see what trick is up "their" sleeve. My main goals in life are to create a happy family and as much abundance as possible.  I am working on the abundance as we speak.  When someone has a problem with you, the last thing they want to see you do is succeed so it is my new goal in life to do just that. Succeed.... big time... with honors. 

I won't spend too much time on word wars with "you". I won't spend much time getting stressed out over "your" actions towards me, and I will do everything in my God-given power to make sure that I create a fantastic life for my family as well as being positive and happy while I do it.  Want to talk about me? Go ahead, because I won't respond on "your" level...why not you ask? Because your level is low class.  What I realize is that YOU have the problem not me.  YOU have chosen to spend YOUR time and effort in YOUR life to bother me, us, and everyone that doesn't agree with YOU.  I won't waste MY time and energy on you.  With all that said, take these words in BOTH directions.  Don't give in to the fear and don't create the fear.  

Is this post personal? Yes, personal to me. It is personal for me to pass on the message that fear is something that should be reserved for your fear of sharks, small places, spiders, and things that go bump in the night. Not the fear of the average Jane & John Doe who's priorities are in the wrong place. 
Use your energy wisely my friends, life is happening here and now and what is gone, can't be brought back. 

Live your life to the fullest... live your life with happiness... and most of all: 

"Find yourself and love what you find" -  K. Crisp