How becoming "Jesus-y" isn't so lame

How do I begin without running half of you off?

The Cliff Notes version is I recently found a new church, dug it so much I couldn't get enough, got baptized and accepted Jesus as my one and only savior. The End. 

When I was younger my best friend and I would refer to anyone who started getting more involved with church as becoming Jesus-y.  Ex: "I just became Facebook friends with ____, I think she's all Jesus-y now" to which one or the other would respond "ohhhhhhh", as if they had contracted a horrible disease. So what exactly did we mean by Jesus-y? Boring, no fun, straight-laced, a dud, someone you had to walk on pins and needles with, and frankly someone we probably didn't want to hang out with that much aside from a casual group dinner where afterwards we would leave with all of the pleasantries and go get hammered. 

Back in the fall of 2014 my husband said "I think we should go back to church".  Our last church experience wasn't necessarily bad but it had somewhat run its course for us. That sounds bad. "It had run its course".  I don't mean that we treat our churches like old stagnant boyfriends that couldn't be bothered to do anything that didn't involve a remote control (no I'm not bitter) but we weren't overly involved and there was a change in everyone in from the top down and it just didn't feel right. So we quit going... boo hoo. 

He already had a church in mind based on a recommendation from a friend.  Not really a recommendation like you get for a plumber or a masseuse but he knew that his friend spoke highly of the church and the pastor had always been there for him when he needed him.  So we gave it a shot... 

Our first experience was like none we had ever experienced. Before I go on please note I'm not really here to necessarily be a church or a religion pusher but to tell my story about how it does not have to be perceived as being some sort of negative. We walked out of our first service, looked at each other and said "well that was different... and weird... wanna go back?".  Our pastor is not only a great pastor, he is one of the most amazing public speakers I have ever heard.  So if his engagement of my overworked, ADD, Ritalin past, brain is what got me hooked then so be it. For the first time in my life I LOOK FORWARD to going to church. I enjoy all of the events, the people, the praise the worship and most of all the relationship that I have built with God that I didn't have before. I was always a believer but I had only words and no actions.  

I have had what I consider to be the most miraculous change in my life EVER and while it has been extremely profound in many ways, the truth is, I am still the same ME I was before.  Now some may bawk at that because being baptized as an adult means that you are essentially giving up your old life, washing away your sins, and starting over, with a new dude in charge of handling your affairs.

I am still Kristen, still the same person who loves  yoga, working out, peanut butter and jelly, tikis (note: while I love them and collected them for years I have never worshiped them so calm down before your toss scripture about false idols at me!), the beach, Hawaii, would drink Sailor Jerry rum, Stella Artois, and Leffe if it had absolutely no alcohol effect because I LOVE and miss the taste of them all (another note, my lack of booze consumption has nothing to do with church, it has to do with my body hating hangovers and making a grown up decision)  cats, dogs, writing, teaching, kayaking, roller skating (when I can find someone brave enough to join me), my family, my kids, my house, my friends, and a giant list of other things that I loved before this change and will continue to love forever.  

I am not boring.  I am not going to suddenly start waving a bible and preaching hellfire and damnation to those who don't believe the same thing I do, I will not turn my back on those in need or whose believes or lifestyles may not be on par with mine as frankly we are all sinners so you can all jump on the bus and I'll drive.  When we get to our perspective destinations I'll hit the brakes accordingly. With that said if anyone has curiosity, intrigue or interest in taking this conversation a bit deeper by all means my door is open.  I will be happy to share exactly how this choice has changed my life and it has all be for the positive and the peaceful.  Period.

I'm a yoga instructor (just one of my hats) and while Yoga is not a religion, it does come from India which is steeped in Buddhism and Hinduism. I have students from all walks of life.  Buddhists, Atheists, Hinduists, Muslims, Christians and probably a host of others I am not aware of. These are my students and these are my friends.  When I teach my classes I tend to give visualizations and "words of wisdom" especially during Savasana (the yummy relaxation bit at the end).  While I won't quote scripture per say, I will pass on the messages that are universal and true to all in words that work for all.  I learned at a very young age in business to "know your audience".  The words I speak are this: Love thy neighbor.  Love and honor yourself but be sure to help those who are far less fortunate than you.  Be thankful for what you have and don't spend your life searching for things to covet.  Live in the present moment as you can't change the past and you sure as heck can't predict the future.  Practice love and peace in everything you do.  Be positive and release negativity.  I am not a theologist but in my limited religious knowledge I  imagine that somewhere and somehow that translates to all belief systems.  

One observation I have had is how people tend to fall in two categories:

A) Those who are fearful and uncomfortable talking about it (Christianity).  I've recently heard a lot of people say "I believe in God but I'm not really religious".  I suppose that was my previous place in life.

B) Those who sniff you out like two dogs circling each other for the first time and then once they realize you're "cool" they will openly tell you how amazing Jesus has been to them. It almost feels likes an underground culture that people don't want to expose too soon until they realize you are in the same camp.  Maybe we need a secret handshake?? Intriguing... 

My point is that making this change in my life doesn't make me lame, boring or a dud.  I am the same person I was before with a new EXTREMELY important relationship going on that has had a very profound impact on my life as well as my husbands. It is a blessing that we are taking this journey together, I kind of feel bad for calling my old friends Jesus-y but to be honest it makes me laugh because I am not always politically correct.  I won't apologize yet I can now say, "yeah as of last fall I got all Jesus-y too" and be extremely proud of it.  I do still have work to do because due to being "Jesus-y" there are some changes I would like to make on my own. I have had a dumpster mouth since I was a kid and it is a habit I am working on breaking.  I work in the sailing industry so throwing me in with those who "cuss like a sailor" isn't a good match, I fit in just a little too well.  My plan is to start serving others in a bigger capacity than I am now so I challenge anyone to find fault in that. Lastly I want to make a bigger impact on other peoples lives. I am happy with this change in my life and would love to help anyone else out there who is open and willing. I've met some of the most giving, trusting, helpful and amazing people at my church and am looking forward to getting to know many of them much better. 

To those of you who have been accepting of this I thank you graciously from the bottom of my heart, to those of you who have welcomed us in I do the same, and for those who have mocked, laughed and or ridiculed us... I pray for you... In Jesus-y name... Amen xo 

Battlestar Homeactica

When you are in a relationship, what makes or breaks it is the art of choosing your battles.

That isn't just about marriage but family, friendship, ex's, co-workers, business partners, legal battles, you name it.  When there is more than one person involved, there is opportunity for opposition.

When we are young we argue with people about some seriously, tiny and mundane things.  Things that in the big scheme of life, don't freaking matter.  Even in my late 20's my stubborn ass would fight to the end just to prove I was right over song lyrics!  Now with the internet at our fingertips we can quickly and easily prove someone wrong in a matter of nanoseconds.  See!? I TOLD you I was right!

As we age these things get bigger and more serious.  It is when we hit our 30's or so that we may (or sadly may not) realize that arguing for hours over something that really simply DOES NOT MATTER.  Are you willing to lose your friendship of 10 years becuase you can't agree over whether Sixteen Candles or The Breakfast Club was the better John Hughes movie? Or God forbid you toss alcohol in the mix you could lose your marriage over how he yelled at you that one time 15 years ago but you really just can't let it go. Move on... you can't change the past and you can't predict the future.  

I've watched families literally rip apart because one person simply cannot and will not EVER EVER EVER admit that they are wrong. It's terribly sad, terrilby tragic, and terribly stupid. 

As I have personally found a renewed faith in God ove the past 6-8 months, one thing that has reallly come to my heart is that you simply have to pick your battles.  With that said, part of that is knowing that there are instances when you will never ever win, not because you are wrong, but because you are fighting or bickering with a force that will never allow themselves to be reckoned with.  You have to ask yourself, "is arguing over a/b/c really worth all of the stress and the negative energy?".  Toss it into God's hand and let Him deal with it.  

In this world of social media it is WAY too easy to get into an overheated bullshit battle with a complete stranger becuase they have either misread or misunderstood your words or because they are completely distraught witih the fact that you might actually reallly like Miley Cyrus and they are going to condemn you to hell because of it.  Really? No thank you, I have a positive life to live.  Moving on....

Being in a marriage with another strong hardhead has proven to be a challenge but after a few years and some good communication we both realize that we can't both always be right.  At the right time and right place, someone usually backs down.  I'd love to say I'm always right but I have learned with experience that you are a far more intelligent person when you can admit mistake and defeat.  

So as you go forth today and this week think about choosing your words wisely because when they get ugly you can't take them back ... and an apology is only 2nd best to not saying them at all.  

Pick your battles carefully and look deep into the root of what your battle is about and how important it really is to your day to day life.  If it is about something that genuinely affects your relationship or household then maybe it is worth the fight but if it is about whether Nicki Minaj is sexy or not or should Madonna really be dancing around at 56?... Move on.  

Life is short, enjoy your days with abundance xo 

Overloaded

Half empty or half full? My head that is... it is full, overflowing, to the brim, spewing information like a volcano at Def-con 5.  There is so much in there at the present time that the whole cliche of "goes in one ear and out the other" is beyond application here.  Things go in and around, through, above and over but rarely in for correct processing anymore.

My head is full.  I have never experienced anything like this in my life.  I've been an avid reader since birth but lately the whole idea of sitting down to read anything at all is daunting at best. My eyesight is shot from too many screen hours and my attention span is one that barely lasts a millesecond before I start to panic that I should be doing something else.

How did my life get like this? Is it just being middle aged and having more responsibilities? Is this normal? Is it because I am an entrepeneur and run two businesses similtaneously and simplly have information overload? How much is that freaking social medias fault? Do I really care about Kim K's shiny butt? No, but I looked at it like the rest of the free world...and zoomed in on it.  Because that's what we do as a people, we look at things.  Now we are forced to absorb more information in a fraction of the time and if we don't react, respond or "like" something or someone in the time it takes that damn uncessesary Facebook Messanger app to open, there must be something wrong with us.

Even to sit and type this blog entry, it took months.  My last post was in May.  How sad, boo hoo.  Typical me. Get excited, start something big, then watch the fuse die down like an old stick of incense.  

I won't make excuses. Won't even try.  BUT I will say I've been busy being productive.  My wheels are still spinning but I FINALLY think I'm on the right path towards something great.  This time I am keeping my master plan close to my heart until the timing is right.  If ever. 

Being on information overload is a daunting task.  It sucks the life out of you like an emotional vampire. The head hurts, the eyes go crossed (well, maybe just fuzzy) and I'll probably lose my husband eventually after he continues to tell me detailed information and I looked at him with glazed eyes and ask him a question pertaining to the exact information he just gave me.   Whoops.  Sorry dear, I truly AM interested in every-single-word coming out of your mouth but frankly if I am not being yelled at WITH eye contact WITH a megaphone, chances are I am not going to process your information.

So how do I remedy this? Well #1 I need a vacation but that isn't in the cards anytime soon.  #2 (and more important) I need to get back to practicing mindfulness and relaxation techniques 

The easiest thing of all to do is breathe and as a yoga instructor I have every damn trick in the book to know exactly how to calm my mind, work with my breathe, kiss my ass.  Uh... that's not in a textbook, but that's how I feel when I don't take my own advise or practice what I preach.  

Life is short.  Life is VERY short and as we age our mortality becomes more clear to us.  What is happening to me now is making me realize that I no longer want to live to work but I want to work to live. With that said I want to work to THRIVE not just to SURVIVE.  

I have always been a hard worker but until the past several years I worked for "the man".  I collected a steady paycheck with someone elses signature on it and realize that some days that really isn't a bad thing because when you own a business it is much harder to "turn off", and throw the cell phone/smart phone in the mix and your email, texts, problems, become a 24 hour a day obsession.  Oh where or where is my rotary dial phone? 

I am setting a goal.  To figure out how to shut down at a certain point of the day as well as shutting of my central media system, or CMS.  We are only a generation away from having USB ports implanted in to our heads so I need to make the break now before I have blinking eyes and hinged arms.  

There is really NO reason to be Tweeting, IM'ing, Linkd In, Pinning, or Instablabbling every single day, moment, nano-second of my life.  

Today my stepdaughter left her phone at the house and was like a zombie chilid in the backseat.  I asked "why are you so quiet"? Her response came quietly and with melancholy sadness, "I miss my phone".  She said it like she'd lost a long lost friend... about a piece of metal.  I am saddened by the reality of this generation and it opened my blurry eyes.

Read paper instead of a screen, stop what you are doing, close your eyes and take 3 long, deep breathes.   When you find yourself floating around the internet in non-stop circles, it's time to stop.  Go outside, look at the sky, climb a tree, water your plants, wash your car.  All of these little day to day things sound mundane but are extermely important to your brain power.  Slowing it down recharges the batteries.  When you run it on all cyclinders eventually it will crash and burn.  

Stop. Look around. Enjoy the view. Breathe. 

We Are Free

On this Memorial Day, every single person in this country should stop and give thanks for those who put their lives on the line for us and for those who LOST their lives so that we could be a free people.

Many people in America feel a sense of entitlement and we are rubbing this off onto the next generation. Not so much in the welfare, food stamps, kind of entitlement but in the "I deserve this simply because I exist" kind of entitlement.  

What gives you the right to have that new phone? That new iPad? As many clothes as you can possibly squeeze into one closet? Freedom.  
What gives you the right to stay at a hotel? Take a vacation? Get on an airplane? Freedom.  
What allows you the right to drive whatever car you want? Work wherever you want? Go to school and study whatever you want? Freedom.

If our soldiers did not go out on the front lines for us every single day, you can be damn sure that there are some pretty nasty individuals out there that would make sure that America was as far as could be from "Land of the Free" and "Home of the Brave".  

Think of that the next time you DEMAND a seat by the window, or you DEMAND to have a king size bed because, well, you think you are a king.  Think of that when you go get your daily over-priced Starbucks fix and think of that when you look down at someone simply because you think you are better than they are. You're not ... you are human just like the rest of us.  

There are hundreds of countries in tyranny, war, famine, drought, and infested with disease.  If our troops stopped fighting for us tomorrow, the rights and freedoms we have now would disappear overnight. Period.  No discussion, no second chance. 

You are entitled to breathe, live, and die.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Due to our servicemen and women, we breath a pretty clean, clear air and we should never, ever forget that. 

It is a nice idea to think that we should have all of our troops at home but it isn't a reality.  We need them to protect us from the bad fuckers around the globe and here at home to ensure that my freedoms and yours stay that way... FREE.

God Bless those who serve, those who have sacrificed for us, and God Bless America.  

If You Wanna Dance, You Gotta Pay the Fiddler

Before Doing The Right Thing

Since I started teaching yoga I am far more aware of my body and the bodies of others.  Now with that said, I will admit that it took me YEARS to actually take good care of my body, it wasn't an instantaneous decision and I didn't suddenly start doing yoga and POOF! I'm healthy... far from it. As a matter of fact, while I was in yoga teacher training program I treated my body probably the worst I ever have sans the silly drugs of the 80's.  I was working full time, going to school 15 hours a week, putting my body into pretzel-like shapes 5 hours at a shot, drinking VERY heavily, and smoking a blunt ... or two or three.  Stress kicked in like a bad-ass ninja and I took to the streets to fix it.  

I have been teaching 5 years and my tables have turned.  I'm not denouncing all things bad but I kicked out the ones that were literally killing me... mainly booze and crap food.  What I find so fascinating is that many of us treat out bodies like shit and we don't care.  We criticize others for doing either too much good or too much bad and no one can find a happy medium.  It sucks.  No one is perfect, yet we talk about each other like WE are.  "You see her? OMG look how FAAAAAT she is!".   On the flip side what I hear ALL of the time is "What do you mean you don't drink??? Anything? Ever? Not even wine with dinner?". No.  I don't drink at all.  I hate wine and I always have so if you have to ask me if I drink a glass of wine with dinner then you clearly don't know me very well, at all. Actually you are most likely a nosy-ass stranger who I got into a conversation with but you feel that you have the right to criticize me, well, just because.  

I'm not a vegetarian or a vegan.  Let me just squash that first yoga stereotype.  I eat meat.  Not tons of it, but lets repeat it... I ... eat ... meat!  Okay? Okay, moving on... 

I quit drinking 3 and a bit years ago because I simply had to.  I was a mid-level alcoholic. By the way, no one likes that word unless you are a paper bag wielding homeless guy living in a doorway in New York. When I said to my dad a few years ago, "I've been sober for (fill in appropriate time here) years". His response was "Don't say you've been sober, just say you haven't had a drink!!!".  Alrighty then. Sounds the same to me but whatever floats your boat.  

We only have one body, and we treat it like shit.  We eat poorly, drink excessively, do drugs, lay covered in oil under a giant ball of fire, drive fast, have un-safe sex, and let random doctors cut us open so they can pull, pluck, shred, suck, and manipulate us into "looking better".  As the years go by and the doctor says, "I'm sorry to tell you, you have cancer, AIDS, melanoma, cirrhosis, etc..." or whatever horrifying disease comes out of his/her mouth, we act shocked.  
Help me, I'm dying.

We want help when we're dying. We want help when we are sick.  We want help and we want it now.  "Why can't you help me quicker?"  "What do you mean there is no cure?"  "Terminal illness?" 
"HELP ME NOW! DO WHATEVER YOU CAN!!!"

My paternal grandfather had a very mild heart attack and the doctor wanted him to have an angioplasty. He went into the hospital, failed the stress test, and started screaming "get me out of here, they just want my money, I'm fine!".  Maybe that's the stubborn Irish, maybe that was fear as he had never set foot in a hospital, ever.  He was released and went back to his life.  6 months later he had a massive heart attack while playing golf.  When my grandmother got to him he was on a gurney, blue from the neck down.  He looked at her and said "Whatever they need to do to me to fix this, you have them do it okay?".  He died the same day.  

We are an OVER privileged society of demanding, stubborn people.  If you read my previous post about Tracy Ryan and the Unsupersize Me film you are reminded how there is an underground culture of obese people who want it to be cool to be obese.  I don't get it, never will.  These are the ones who will be lying on a bed waiting for a fire truck to come pull them out of a house because they are simply too big to move.  My tax payer dollars can be used for better things my friends... like putting out fires.  

There are people screaming at me literally and figuratively because I quit drinking. I will ask you ever so politely to fuck off. Please.  It was one of the best things I could have done for my body, my mind, and my relationships.  Will I ever have a drop of alcohol again? Maybe, maybe not.  I'm not concerned with it and you shouldn't be either.  

When someone has a problem with anything in excess, there is usually a reason why.  Sometimes it isn't as easy as "stop eating you fat fuck" or "just quit".  You have to be willing and ready... ready being the key word. I can sit here and type my heart out but if you ain't ready, ain't nobody quittin' nothin'.  

With all this said we should keep in mind that WE are still responsible for our own actions and that is where the problem tends to lie.  We blame our past, we blame others (If it was bad for us they wouldn't sell it would they?) and we don't take responsibility for ourselves but we want someone else to pick up the pieces.  I call bullshit.  If you know in your heart of hearts that what you are doing, drinking, eating, smoking, fucking, is wrong then start by abiding by one simple rule:

Do The Right Thing

It can be as simple as that.  When you go into decision making mode and your brain kicks in, many times we look at a situation and think "I shouldn't do it but...".  That's your cue.  Do The Right Thing  I use it with my step kids for the simplest of tasks. When you see the towel on the floor, instead of saying "not mine" just pick it up because you are then Doing The Right Thing.  I'm not saying be a doormat or to get taken advantage of, I'm simply using the most basic of skills to make you realize how easy SOME of those decisions can be.  
"He's cute but I'm drunk and he could be an ax-murderer, should I take him home?"  
Do The Right Thing.  

...and yes, I am fully aware that doing the right thing can be awfully fucking boring in some circumstances but it could also save your life, someone elses life, or your health.  I wish I could rewind just half of the stupid decisions I've made in my life and Do The Right Thing.  
It would have saved me many heartaches, pounds, hangovers, friendships, and dollars. 

Don't complain my pretties when you are faced with a doom and gloom situation simply because you made bad choices that could have been overcome with a simple decision.  If you have a true problem and need to seek medical or mental health attention I urge you to go get it.  If your loved ones are struggling to make a life-changing decision no matter how it affects your time at the bar or the all-you-can-eat buffet, support them.  Don't encourage the bad behaviors of others when they are trying to do good for themselves just because it might affect your social life.  

In all aspects of life Do The Right Thing. 
  
...and to conclude I have to recall a time when I drank too much around age 20 or 21. As 21 was the legal drinking age, lets just pretend.  
I got bombed beyond belief and had a horrendous hangover.  I was spending the night with one of my best friends, her parents came home the next day and her dad just looked at me sitting curled in a ball in a Pier One papason chair in total agony.  He went to the kitchen, made me a rockin' chocolate chip milkshake and said "after seeing this with 6 kids I'll give you the same advice ... If you wanna dance, you gotta pay the fiddler".
I never forgot that and never will.  Clearly I didn't do the right thing. 

Melted

My sketches were a very important part of this blog and I've let them go to the back burner because I put too much pressure on myself.  I have a habit of diving head first into a project, and then VOILA! Shiny Object!!! ...and I get distracted.

I started this sketch on 4/14 but then got stumped, had a friend die so I changed tact with my posts, then I ended up writing "Frozen" from my iPhone while sitting on a pool deck in Jacksonville.
Sometimes things just flow as they flow.  Let it be.

As I wrote in my last post, I have a new project underway.  Totally out of my comfort zone.  What I realized is that because I am not a homemaker or a trophy wife and I do run two businesses, I have limited time to do anything not absolutely necessary.

Sorry Pinterest, I will pin a lot of things that I will never EVER make, BUT damn those spray-painted-rubber-band-on-wine-bottle-candle holder things are cute next to those no-bake-peanut-butter-fudge-bars.
You have to MAKE time, yeah yeah, whatever. Screw you.

I am going to approach this project a bit methodically to make sure I do it the right way the first time.  I'm giving myself a fairly long time frame (as in years) and I am taking in some educational resources in bits and pieces.  If I were 20 years younger I would have enrolled in school (again) re-arranged my work schedule, and jumped in a lava pit only to eventually get burned out.  That's how I roll.

I am 45 and I want to do this ever-growing-thing in my head properly (lets call it Project K).  I am not going to half-ass it so it is mediocre because I want it to get me on the proverbial map and hopefully, make me a success...(and some extra dough wouldn't hurt either).  The suspense is killing me.

This weekend my husband and I were talking about how our lives have turned around so much in the past few months and there is more focus for things like this.  We have two legal battles behind us, we are taking much better care of our bodies, and we have released some VERY toxic baggage in our lives.
Things are calm.  Is it the calm before the storm? Maybe, but sometimes you need a good storm when you've been in a drought and my creativity has been bone dry.

Toxicity comes in many forms.  Chemical, solid, liquid and human.  Human toxicity is the worst.  As they say, like attracts like which is a beautiful thing, but when shit piles on top of shit, things stink.  Hang around with assholes and eventually you become an asshole.  Give in to drama and you become wrapped up in drama.  I prefer to take my hippy dippiness to new heights and live my life like its one big-ass love-in.  If you aren't enjoying the party then leave.  Now that things are calm, we can focus on the most important things in our life, each other, our family, our home, and our friends.  All of the Projects K's can now fall into place.

So back to my original thought which is my sketches. Going forward some posts will have them and some won't. Not gonna stress about it anymore.  I don't want anything I do creatively to feel like work because if you don't love what you do each and every day then it too can become toxic.  No one likes to wake up each day when the alarm goes off and having that first, eye-opening, pleasant thought... "Fuck I hate my job, I don't want to go to work". I don't like to schedule time to draw, I just like to draw.
I used to tell my employees at Crate, "If you wake up hating the idea of coming here each day then my all means leave. Save yourself from misery.  It isn't anything personal but I don't want people on my team that don't enjoy what they do. There is something else out there for you that you will love doing, you just need to make the effort to find it".  You get what you give. If you're a lazy fucker then don't complain.

"Find yourself and love what you find". K. Crisp

Frozen

Dreams. My head is full of them.

I've been a singer, a dancer (tap is my preferred style), an activist, a corporate executive, an astronaut, a fashionista, a producer, a writer, a stand up comic and a millionaire. 

These aren't the dreams we have during the night when we enter stage 4 sleep (REM ...the sleep cycle not the band) but the daydreams. The ones we purposely create in our heads. My nighttime dreams are something more like this:

I'm riding the Shock Wave at Six Flags Over Texas and suddenly I'm standing outside the band hall in middle school selling Girl Scout cookies ...naked.

So the daydreams are clearly a little less disturbing and misguided. They may never become reality but in my head they are crystal clear and as real as the screen I am typing on. Question is, WHY aren't they a reality? We tell our friends and kids things like "If you put your mind to it and work hard, you can be anything you want to be".  So why the hell can't I practice what I preach?



Someone told me a few months ago that I would make a good life coach.  I take it as a very nice compliment but seriously? 

As I am getting older and the middle age years are present, I realize that the clock is ticking and if I don't move on some of the things I dream about they will remain only that ...dreams.
Scary. 

I dread waking up at 60 or 70 and thinking "why the hell didn't I ______?".

And what really smacks me across the face with that idea is watching those around me entering their golden years without a big accomplishment behind them or in sight, or better yet, people who have worked so hard to build something that they can't let it go enough to enjoy retirement ... and will work to death.  

Now everyone is not cut out for the stage or to become a professional athlete. Simply being a parent is enough for some. But what about those of us who do have the big dreams and don't act upon them? What could possibly stop me from flying to the moon? Well OK so my eyesight is shit and so are my geometric math skills, but beyond that why not?

Because I become frozen. Frozen with fear. 

Anything successful takes hard work. Hard work and in many cases failure and rejection. No one likes to be told no, you suck, go away. But the ones who succeed usually do so after oodles and oodles of attempt, rejection, and sometimes failure ...lots of failure. 

Look at that Dyson guy? "I tried 5000 prototypes that were all wrong...." (To paraphrase the Brit) and every time I see that ad I think "because you are an idiot! How can it take 5000 tries to build a vacuum?... You turn it on, it sucks shit up! it's not rocket science!"  

Aha! But as I get older and think a little harder about it I realize that those 5000 prototypes are the way he PERFECTED the stupid vacuum cleaner and can now charge astronomical prices for said vacuum because he made it the best, after 4999 failures.

I am a Libra. Smack in the middle of my sign. This doesn't mean I am totally even and my scales balance out perfectly, it means I am a wishy washy mess. I have started a million projects and let them softly fade into the distance. I go full tilt, head on, balls to the wall into them and then POOF! They are gone, or at least faded into the distance. Out of boredom, disinterest, or because the next big thing poked its head into my overflowing brain.  

I've been to at least 4 different colleges, one trade school, and one "vocational" training. I dropped out of 3 of the 4 schools and the 4th was for continuing education. That's kind of funny, how does one continue what they never finished in the first place?  The only program I actually went through from start to finish was my 200hr Yoga teacher training and I still teach today. 

So maybe it's age. Age and wisdom. The wisdom to know that if I pay for something, I'd better parachute into it to get my monies worth. Dropping college classes is no biggie when someone else is footing the bill but once you pay on your own, screw that shit. 

So now what? I'm 45 and doing a job I'm not really jazzed about (no, not the yoga!). My creative side has been stifled and it is getting lost in the back of my brain. As I started this blog I had no idea where to go with it but as I'm doing more interviews I realized I like telling stories. Mine, yours, theirs. 

I want to share stories to the world. Stories of life, trauma, experience. Stories of illness and wellness. Stories of love and loss. 

I have a new dream. A reachable one, an obtainable one. A successful one? We'll see. At this stage in the game I would rather try and fail than not try at all.  

So I embark on yet another new venture in my convoluted, confused life. I am a storyteller and I want it to turn into something big, something HUGE! I have some whoppers to share and many of you have already said you'd be willing to share your stories with me and my audience.  I have many layers of this project in my head screaming to get out so I will continue to release them as and when the time is right.  This time in an orderly fashion, with careful planning, and hopefully without too much fear. 

I have a quote from Amy Poehler that I posted at my desk at least a year ago, I look at it and read it but until now I don't think I absorbed it: 

"Great people do things before they're ready"

Yes we do.  

I have unfrozen.