"The cat took the rat, the rat took the cheese, the cheese stands alone."
This is a place to read my thoughts about life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness and not putting up with anyone else's garbage!
We all do, its like the train wreck syndrome. You hate to see the carnage but you can't turn away. Social media has made it a zillion times worse. Someone farts and it is all over Fox News and has 1 million hits on Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube... or all of them and even those lesser known sites that are creeping up every single day.
My goal with this site is to develop it into something grand. To send out a message to people that "Hey, life gives us shit but if you have a positive attitude you can wade nicely through the shit and still come out clean on the other side". Right now life is presenting us all with so many obstacles it is hard to get ahead. Jobs are hard, the economy sucks, and social media has really gone from being a blessing to a curse. Great for business, bad for relationships.
You have to stand up for yourself and be your own voice so that you can be the Last Rat Standing. It is up to you, no one else to make things happen in your life. If you are waiting for the proverbial lottery to hit then you are missing the mark and you'll keep waiting and waiting and waiting. The lottery only happens if you play and the odds are not in your favor (of course that doesn't stop my white trash side from entering the PCH when the emails come across my inbox). You can go broke trying or you can step up and take control of your own destiny.
The more I write, the more exposure I am getting and with a little bit of "fame"(for lack of a better word) comes a little bit of drama. None of us are perfect but we all tend to sit back and point fingers at others and their mistakes, pitfalls, and stupidity, so let me save you the time. Before anyone else decides to find their sinister Snidley Whiplash side and post some info about me, I'll do the honors. I regret some of the things I've done, feel terrible for others, and have asked forgiveness for a lot, BUT our experiences and mistakes shape us, define us, and make us who we are. If we didn't do stupid things life would be boring as hell, the trick is simply ... don't repeat them. So here goes, shit I have done that might make a tabloid:
I've done drugs, several kinds, in my oh-so-experimental teens & 20's. Weed (plenty), crank (gross), cocaine (boring), and ecstasy (expensive and draining). I wasn't an addict but I tried what was offered. Nothing to do with my upbringing AT ALL, simply to do with the company I was keeping. Proof to you parents, pay attention to who your kids are hanging out with. *Unless of course you are Bieber then you are hanging out with your parents.
I drank for 29 years before that stupid, repeated, broken promise of "never again" actually became a reality. Simply one too many pukefests. No rehab, no drama... just quit. It was my third attempt and I'm 3.2 years sober. Third times a charm.
I dated a girl once for about a month. NO I am not gay and NO I am not bi-sexual. I was 23 and she looked like a Backstreet Boy.
I've dated a few married men. Not my proudest moments but lets also point out not theirs either.
I've cheated (on tests and people).
I've lied. If you say you haven't ever lied you are lying to yourself.
I've been depressed. I've been in therapy, it rocked... the therapy not the depression.
I've hit and run (cars NOT people) when I was in my late teens. Fast forward to my 30's & the next time I hit someone not in their presence I left a note and for that I was rewarded with a phone call of appreciation, "I can't believe anyone would leave a note! Its no big deal, don't worry about it". Whew. My car looked worse than hers did.
I've had a one-night stand ... or 2 ... or 3 ... and I emphatically blame that on being horribly bullied and vying for attention from anyone who would give it.
I got arrested when I was 19 for a minor in possession... of the beer that was left in the car when they arrested the driver. I was now in possession of the car and the beer... I believe they call that entrapment.
Now, with that oh-so-shocking list let me say that the simplicity of the list doesn't begin to cover the complexity of the actions. I type before you with my tail between my legs and say, I'm sorry. Sorry for my mistakes and sorry for hurting those that I have hurt. I truly mean that from the bottom of my heart. Before you gasp and criticize please close your eyes, look inward and think about your biggest mistakes and regrets We all have them but are VERY quick to gossip and yak about the person in the news, the tabloids, and worse than that, your friends and family. Two things you should only have to say to someone once: "Thank you" and "I'm sorry". If you need to repeat it over and over the recipient is the one with the problem.
My heart is very open and I always have everyone's best intentions at heart. I actually pray for the crapholes in my life right now because they need it more than I do. I feel sorry for those who don't learn and who don't have anything better to do than cause drama, especially after age 30. It is a good indication of an unhappy individual and life is too short to live that way. Grow up and focus on your OWN problems, leave mine alone. So there, I've aired out the basics of my dirty laundry. I'm sure there are some BIG details in my top 10 list that can certainly add fuel to the fire but hey, we all have a spark waiting to spontaneously combust. Work on your own before you take a match to someone elses. "To thine own self be true" - (Hamlet act 1, scene 3)
"Cute girl, too bad she's so big" I've thought it. I've said it. I am not proud of it. I've had a few friends and acquaintances in my time that have been the internal recipient of that statement. I also should stress that my thought or concern for anyone overweight is not an aesthetic issue, but one purely of health. One of those was Tracy Ryan. I met Tray in the late summer/early fall of 2010. She worked for the catering company that was handling my wedding. I didn't deal with Tracy very much but enough to know that she was one of the above mentioned recipients. Tracy was super friendly and professional, helped with several details (we were not her client) and was a server at the event itself. Sometime after our wedding in October of 2010, Tracy showed up on my "Friends you might know" bar on Facebook. So as with many others that crossed my path I "friended" her. Shortly after the first of 2011, I noticed that Tracy was working on some kind of weight loss program and posting things on Facebook about her progress. I followed her and commented here and there, offering kind words, lots of congrats on milestones and "linking" things she did and said. Now most of us in life encounter a time when we feel a little podgy or thick but you see, Tracy Ryan was 345 lbs. In January of 2011 Tracy was approached about being involved with a weight loss project. She would change to a plant-based diet and work out 2 hours a day with a trainer (one hour cardio, one hour strength training) for one year. No fad diets, no surgery, no supplements. Period. Her reaction? "Sure, what do I have to lose?". She lost 200 lbs. Tracy's weight loss and story was documented in the award winning film "Unsupersize Me". Many of us saw what happened to Morgan Spurlock in his 2004 documentary "Supersize Me", but what does it take to undo that same damage? How does one "Unsupersize" themselves?
Watch the Unsupersize me trailer and GET INSPIRED!
Tracy's journey thrust her together with fitness expert/awesome guy (and now best friend) Carly Asse. Carly is the owner of Zen Fitness in Gainesville, Florida and has a story all his own. Carly was the All-American good guy, honor student, athlete gone wrong. A great guy who got caught up in the wrong situation at the wrong time simply by making the wrong decisions. At age 22 he was arrested with 6 others as a ringleader in an ecstasy drug ring. Carly served 7 years in a federal penitentiary and his first 6 months in solitary confinement. He took this opportunity to do whatever it took to change his life around and make the best of his situation, learn from it, and use it to his advantage. Now he is a very successful multi-millionaire business owner. If I play my cards right, I hope to bring his story to you in 2014.
Unsupersize Me is an amazingly inspiring story. It isn't just a story about weight loss. We follow her weight loss journey but it is presented in such a way that it is a story about erseverance, courage, risk-taking starting over, standing up for yourself, and making big-ass life changes.
I sat down with Tracy to get a little more in-depth look at how her life has changed due to both the weight loss and the success of the movie.
KC: First off, you look amazing! After watching the movie twice I thought to myself, "It appears though she might have a type A personality because she seems to be so okay with this process". Is that true or was that simply the defense mechanism kicking in?
TR: Thanks, it was my defenses. It was all happening so fast and until I saw the movie, I never really saw myself looking like that. Once I realized I looked that way I was really embarrassed. Also, I started dealing with things I never thought I would deal with, I mean, okay I am working out and eating different things but my main struggles were mental and social. I lost a lot of friends, after 3 months I lost my job, and the guy I was dating dumped me because I was losing weight and he liked "larger ladies". The friends I was hanging out with were unhealthy for me 'cause I wasn't going to go hang out at the all-you-can-eat wing night anymore! Once I started feeling better I started demanding a little more from both my friendships so I needed to rebuild that circle.
KC: Did you ever want to quit?
TR: (Look at me like I am insane) ... OF COURSE! But it was never the workouts, it was all emotional
KC: I noticed that there was no mention of your family in the film. Was that for a reason? Are you cool to chat about that now?
TR: When I was approached about the project, Carly wanted to have my family as part of the film and I immediately said "no way". I didn't want them to be put in the public eye because of what I was doing and to be ridiculed for my upbringing, eating habits, you know.
KC: Were you always heavy?
TR: Yeah, my whole family is heavy and it is heart wrenching to watch. We are Italian so when we were growing up someone would invite you over and your response is immediately "What meat can I bring? What cheese can I bring? I'll make the ziti!". Being from an Italian household it goes without saying that you respect your parents. I think by doing this they thought I was trying to be better than them. They couldn't understand who this guy (Carly) was that was making me make such drastic changes in my life but now they simply realize that I am cut from a different cloth. I feel good so I am going to do whatever makes me feel good.
KC: What about the food side of things? Are there any foods you miss? I mean, you went totally plant based (another term for Vegan), plus you work in food service (Tracy is a catering manager at a local hotel/conference center) so I imagine it is a catch 22 being around food all day, much of which you no longer eat.
TR: I have worked in food service all my life so I am used to it. My TV is still always on the Food Network and I still get Bon Appetit magazine.
KC: As I watched the film I thought "Could I do it? Go vegan?" but he first thing that comes to mind is ... I don't think I could give up the cheese! (TC laughs) So do you miss any particular food?
TR: Yeah, seafood. But let me say first, I realized I was an emotional eater which most people are. I recall myself leaving work and heading to Fresh Market to buy a marinated steak. Then I would go to the liquor store, buy a bottle of wine, get some truffles, and, oh yeah, maybe a gourmet cheese and THAT would be dinner like, 5 nights a week. I would have such a stressful day at work that I felt like I deserved it. I grew up very poor so with my job at the time I was making good money and felt like I could treat myself. I ate red meat/steak every night so I don't crave steak now because I associate it with all of those stressful days. The seafood thing took me a while to figure out but it was because I associated it with my childhood. Growing up some of the best times were on Sunday mornings at my house. When I got old enough to choose whether or not to go to church, my mom gave me that choice and my dad would come in and whisper in my ear, "You can go to church or you can come fishing with me", so there you go, DONE! Fishing it is. Those were really great memories. Now that I don't eat fish anymore I quickly realized that I could put Old Bay Seasoning on a shoe and it would make it taste good! I also get creative with cocktail sauces on potatoes and veggies. It all comes down to getting creative with your food.
Tracy proudly wears her milestone on her back!!!
KC: In the film you talk a little about your childhood. You are about a generation behind me (Tracy is 32 at the time of interview and old Last Rat Standing is 45) but I know that when I was growing up to see a 345lbs. person on the street was unheard of. Now it is almost sadly normal. Do you feel the culture shift?
TR: Totally! Hindsight is 20/20 and what people don't get is the emotional side to eating. Right now there is this huge movement pushing all of these terms like big is beautiful, big & sassy, and fluffy. They are making it this way to instill confidence in young girls like it's okay to be this way, encouraging them to be "loud and proud" and NO! It is not okay, it is totally unhealthy! There is an underground culture that is embracing it and I was in it. I didn't see any reason to lose weight because the push is out there now to make it okay and cool. Look at clothes, I hated clothes shopping because there were no hip and trendy clothes. It wasn't cool. It was all big old lady clothes with flowers and bold patterns. I would go to the fabric store, buy patterns for wrap skirts and then get the craziest fabrics I could find to make a million different wrap skirts and I was 14. Now you can find them anywhere because it is pushed onto society that it is normal and okay to be obese.
KC: Look at Torrid, apparently that is a hip and trendy "big girls" store catering to Goths.
(*Note: I did a little research AFTER I wrote this interview and Torrid doesn't only cater to "Goths" as it once did, it is branded as "Plus size fashion for women size 12-28")
TR: (Laughs) Oh yeah, very fat AND angry, that does wonders for your self-esteem! I see these women and girls on the streets and I want to embrace them all and say, "I hear what you are screaming". I was there and when I finally realized it, it was a slap in the face.
KC: So do you feel like you have had 2 different lives? I mean is there like a before and after effect? I have lost 35lbs. from my heaviest weight so I understand the struggles of diet and weight loss but nothing to that extreme so clearly there are things that you can do now that you couldn't do before.
Before and after her 200lb. weight loss
TR: Totally. I constantly have things happen that I never even thought about. I bent over the other day in my car to tie my shoe and there was no way I could have done that at 345lbs. After the weight loss I bought my first winter coat! I didn't really plan it but it got cold and I thought "shit, where is my fat coat?". I want to buy some boots this year because when you are really heavy your calves won't fit into boots. Recently I put on a necklace that used to need an extender and I didn't need it! I was so excited because I didn't really think about my neck getting smaller! I still want to ride a roller coaster and I have yet to try tubing again (Tracy tells about her first and only tubing experience in the film) but it is on my list.
KC: You started running which is documented as clearly being a challenge but as I have followed you since then I know you have continued to run (She has run one marathon and 7 half-marathons) so what is next for you?
Tracy at the finish line of the Marine Corps Marathon 2013
TR: Wow, there is so much. To start I took a year to lose the weight, the next year I paid off my credit card debt, now my goal is to "pay it forward". I am on the board of directors of "Girls on the Run" which is a non-profit organization that teaches girls grades 3-8 to "break out of the girl box" meaning you don't have to be like anyone else and you don't have to conform to anyone else, you just have to be a really good you. All of my negative features that led to my obesity were because people would say things like "Why aren't you like that person?". When I was a kid in PE I would get made fun of because the kids would lap me around the track but my thinking was "Hey, I'm out here doing something so what does it matter?".
KC: The film has won 4 film festival awards and now you are doing public appearances. Do you feel a little like a rock star? How are you handling the exposure?
TR: It's insane. The appearances keep coming and we have to do Q&A sessions. At first I was thinking "What do I say? Hi, I was fat, I lost a lot of weight, now I'm not fat?". It is super weird to watch the film with other people. Now Carly and I bounce off each other to answer questions that are good for both of us. There are things that I am uncomfortable answering and vice verse.
KC: So do you feel any kind of career shift coming? Public speaking maybe?
TR: I don't know. I do know that I've gotten TONS of vegan catering requests. I have 18 on the books for this year and I love it! Before the film a bride and groom would come in and one of them would be a vegan or vegetarian. They would usually say "Go ahead and serve chicken because that is what the guests will want to eat." and now they say "No, it's my day and they can be a vegan/vegetarian for one day". My response is "Right on girl!".
You can download or purchase a copy of Unsupersize Me here or at the link on my sidebar and follow Tracy on the Unsupersize me Facebook link here.
The new year tends to bring on resolutions. I have learned from my past that if I try to set some big January 1st goal that it often fizzles out. Not by a certain date, but because my brain is usually so full that it simply forgets the task at hand. I have a more in depth blog post coming in the next few weeks but due to recent personal activities wanted to post something now to address some thoughts in my head. Before you decide you want to lose weight, change your diet, quit smoking, etc... start by looking at your attitude towards yourself and life. We set these goals and don't follow through. We set dates and times and then beat ourselves up when we slip. Are you really ready mentally to make that change? Did someone else tell you to make that change? What is the motivation? Is it yours or someone elses? Change is hard and scary which is why many of us avoid it at all costs. We are told we are too fat, thin, drunk, but unless WE are ready for the change, the change won't be successful. Do what it is that is most comfortable to YOU and what will make YOU the most happy. By saying that I am not condoning running out and getting high because it makes you feel good, I am talking about being happy, healthy, and feeling good NATURALLY. We are not all blessed with good genes or good surroundings and sometimes a combination of both being bad makes us feel doomed. Remember that YOU are the only one fully in control of your own change. Unless you have reached the extreme and need to seek out help professionally with anything, start by looking inward to own up to yourself and your feelings. It is scary but once you get past it the sky is the limit. There seems to be an insurgence of groups, and people who realize that the world is in such a bad place that the focus needs to be on the positive. As my last post states, release the past and live for the present moment as that is all that matters right here and now. Surround yourself with good, positive, like-minded people and things that will bring you joy, luck, and allow you to succeed. We made a vow on December 31st to release all of the negative drama, people, and situations that were holding us down and to move forward with all things positive as much as we possibly can. Life is short and can be very sweet if you allow it to. Don't make a resolution for 2014, make a resolution for life.
