"The cat took the rat, the rat took the cheese, the cheese stands alone."
This is a place to read my thoughts about life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness and not putting up with anyone else's garbage!
My post was ready earlier today, all I had to do was work on my illustration. Then I found out that a past work colleague of mine passed away this past Thursday. She had a massive heart attack. She was 45.
I'm 45.
A great group of friends. Stephanie 4th from left, back row
It is not only the age but the person that is shocking. When you hit "middle age" you are more aware of death. You have older friends dying and younger friends living, but people start to die a little more frequently, and nobody likes death. What this has done is inspire me to move forward in a bigger way with a project in my head. This actually fits in perfectly. Not in a macabre kind of way but in a good way. Life is short. This hits it home once again. Why I would not take a leap towards a dream is crazy. Why you say? Because we don't know what tomorrow brings so I'm going to make damn sure that I go forward balls-to-the-wall starting today and work my heart out towards my dream...and unknowingly, Stephanie had a part in this.
Chay & Stephanie. A perfect capture of her personality.
Stephanie was not my best friend, nor did I work with her daily. She worked in a corporate position when I encountered her as a trainer and recruiter which fit her personality perfectly. She was a tiny person with a massive personality...and she had an insane laugh that you couldn't help but hear from a mile away, and if you heard Steph laugh, you laughed. I should add that it didn't take much to make her laugh and the more she laughed, the louder and more crazy it got. Since I heard of this sad news, every time I think about it all I hear is the laugh.
Kierland, AZ Store Opening Party
I worked at Crate&Barrel for 11 years. While sometimes the actual work sucked, the people were awesome. Even the assholes at one time or another weren't so bad to be around. The memories I pull from that part of my life are so full of fun, life, laughter, and chaos that I can only look back upon them and smile.
Store Opening Party.. God Knows Where.... NC?
This incident has brought a group full of past/present employees together on Facebook and it has made me look back at what was an amazing time in my life full of amazing people. I truly miss each and every one of them.
I was going through my pictures and while I have TONS, I didn't have many personally of Stephanie. I had two, one nice group shot at the top and one that looks a little tipsy ... wearing a sombrero to end with. Par for the course.
I was luck enough to swipe another one from a friend that captures her perfectly.
The rest of these are just a sample from the piles I have of my many very happy years as a part of the Crate family. The company was founded with the intention of bringing quality product that people could afford for their family and friends back in the 1960's. To work there was to know that you were a part of a family and while it was still "working retail", the basis that it was founded on was to put your family first. So this brings me back to my very happy memories and may just have sparked a trip to see many of those very happy faces soon.
Houston, TX, Designer Dinner
Right now there is such a push in our society to try to get people to "pay it forward" and do "random acts of kindness". I agree 100% but you have to make sure you never forget your friends and those who are really the most important people in your life. There's all those stupid ass cliche's like "people come into your life for a reason, a season, or for dinner...." or something like that. Bullshit. People are memories. People are life. People are purpose. People are human. People are assholes. People are horrific. People are amazing. Okay and I have to quote Depeche Mode: "People are People".
...and to be blatantly honest I miss this girl the most.
K1 & K2
"How about a smoke break?"
Don't let life get in the way of letting your friends know they mean a lot to you. Life is hard and full of chaos but if you let the chaos take over your stream of consciousness then you start to lose those memories that are so precious to you.
A perfect example of my lost memory... store opening ... no idea
For the 11 years I was there, 9 of them were spent in Dallas, TX ... and THOSE years were the best. In MANY cases, "What happens in Dallas, stays in Dallas".
I typed fast and I loaded pictures faster so please don't criticize my writing or editing tonight. If you really read the words, you get the message. Regardless of my aspirations of writing, this post is really just about love.
To Stephanie, we are shocked and saddened by your early journey however if you have faith then you know that she is in a REALLY great place, most likely laughing and wearing a sombrero. You were loved and you will be missed. xoxo
When we are born we don't know right from wrong. We come out completely freaked out, get a slap on the ass and WOO HOO! The party begins. As we get older we quickly learn the difference between right and wrong based on our parents belief system. Once we start to process this difference it is up to us to make the correct choice or, in other words, do the right thing. It is when we consciously make the wrong choices that things go tits up and we find ourselves facing the consequences of our actions. Some get luckier than others by simply lucking out and not getting caught, or being slick enough to fix their mess before anyone is the wiser.
Carly Asse was born and raised in Gainesville, FL by parents who cared for him, loved him, and taught him right from wrong. He was a straight-A student who realized in 9th grade that he was destined for greatness. "I was told in that I was the number one student in class which I never thought was possible. Once I realized that I kept working at it".
Carly and his mother, Marilyn
His mother, Marilyn Wahl, was a founding member of the Hippodrome Theater and very influential in Carly's success. He says, "She always pushed me towards sports and health. She would tell me if you don't have your health, you don't have anything".
The young, promising, tennis star
Carly excelled at tennis. He started playing varsity in 7th grade. In high school he was All-Area player of the year for 2 years and then led his team to State 6 years in a row. He received a scholarship to play at UNC Asheville and broke the record for freshman wins in a season. He played in a few semi-pro tournaments but was never able to play on the tour ... he ended up in prison.
In 2000, his sophomore year, Carly came home to attend the University of Florida. It was that summer that his life began to change ... for the worse. He tried ecstasy. If you are not familiar with ecstasy, here is the short version: The chemical name is methylenedioxymethamphetamine (that's a mouthful!) or MDMA. It can be referred to as "ecstasy", "e", "x" or "molly" just to name a few. Psychiatrists started to use it in the late 1970's and early 1980's because it opened up communications in patients (putting it mildly) and help gain insight into their patients souls. The FDA banned it in 1985* which was the same time it gained street popularity among youngsters like myself who liked the effect of being super-lovey to everyone humanly possible. The drug makes you crazy happy, love everything and everyone, and dance like a maniac for anywhere from 12-24 hours before you have a ridiculous crash that is no bueno. I speak from experience as a girl from the 80's who spent a few nights at the very popular Starck Club in Dallas, TX circa 1985-ish which was one of the most ecstasy filled places of its day. Lucky for me I only did the drug a handful of times because I wasn't rich enough to afford it. *(National Institute on Drug Abuse) Once Carly tried the "designer drug" (I hate that term by the way) he thought "whoa, there is a whole different world out here, I like it". Problem is, drugs aren't cheap. The street value was the same as it was when I did a few handfuls of hits in the 80's. $25 per pill. I don't care what decade it is, that is a lot for a college student. So Carly decided there had to be a cheaper way to obtain the drug. By more, pay less, simple mathematics. If he could buy 50 they would cost around $18, bump it up to 100, drop the cost to $13-$14, buy into the thousands and ... well that folks is how you start dealing drugs. He began selling ecstasy to college students (in my opinion and he agrees, it is a young persons drug ... no middle aged person in their right mind could handle the 24 hour bender) and making quite a bit of cash. When his friends started to see the money he was making they wanted in too. He didn't have to recruit anyone, they were all just friends from high school. "One guy would drive, one would drop off, it was a pretty simple operation". Until the Feds got wind of it.
Carly had never had to face any kind of major consequence in his life but he knew what he was doing was wrong, and while he was watching other dealers get slapped with probation or community service, he was completely blindsided when he was hit with a federal indictment stating: "United States of America vs. Juan- Carlos Asse for the distribution of 80,000 pills". He went from never spending a day in jail or facing any kind of legal punishment to being told he was facing 20 years.
One of many articles about the drug bust
I was first introduced to his story when I watched the film "Unsupersize Me". That was Carly's film, his baby, his idea, his project. They touch briefly on his legal problems in the movie and it was intriguing enough that I wanted to know more. We hear the story of the good kid gone bad but his story captured me because of the outcome. He was the one who was made the example. He got the "worst judge", the one who was on a vigilant war against drugs and regardless of Carly's shit-shiny past he and 5 of his friends were going to face the error of their ways. I sat down for some jaw-dropping insight on Carly's punishment and how he turned a horrible, life-changing event into an amazingly positive and successful one. KC: So, you were such a clean-cut kid, kind of the "anti-dealer". I imagine you hid it quite well for a long time? CA: I was always mistaken for a cop or a narc but I was dealing strictly to students so I fit in perfectly. KC: Did you become an addict? I would imagine it would be hard to deal and use. CA: No, I was doing it on occasion on the weekends but the whole operation was to make money. KC: And did you try anything else? Of course the news blasts how one drug leads to another and so on... CA: Not really, I tried booze and weed but I never really did anything that much. Once I started dealing though I got to a point where I was selling everything and selling the other drugs (marijuana, cocaine, etc ...) was a crazy, crazy world. It was wacky. Lots of weird people and people coming and going all hours of the night, I got out of that. KC: So the big question here, how did the Feds find you? CA: A confidential informant. It was someone who got caught up in cocaine. I knew the guy was acting a bit freaky and I wouldn't really deal with him but at that time I wasn't aware of how the conspiracy theory worked. (Note: when he starts talking like this all I can think about is JFK and I think he's kidding ... but he's not). You don't have to get caught with anything on you and I never did, it is all word of mouth. Next thing I knew the indictment hit and I'm thinking "this can't be real, how can this be real?". KC: So I assume the goal is to work up the food chain to get the supplier, would that be a fair assumption?
CA: Well we were different. We were a small group of friends who didn't want to cooperate and they didn't like that. The feds are into drug weight and dollars. So yes, normally they would go out but they hammered us from the outside in by going from the supplier in Miami to the guy we gave it to here and sandwiching us in between. I got stuck as the #1 ringleader even though I had no history, no priors, no violence. I got the worst judge. He was appointed by Ronald Reagan and was ruthless in the war on drugs. He sentenced me to the maximum even though I had no record. 7 years in a federal penitentiary.
Arrested
KC: (Gasp), I can't imagine. Did your supplier get caught? CA: He did but I don't know where he is now. He only got 18 months because the Feds are all about cooperation. KC: (Gasp! I did a lot of that during this interview). What was it that you wouldn't cooperate with? CA: They wanted me to tell on my friends and my brother who had nothing to do with any of it. They basically wanted me to lie and I refused. We all stuck to it except for one driver who got scared and he "rolled" so we all got pretty hefty sentences: 5, 7, 4 years and they made a huge case out of it. We hit the front page 5 times. At this point in the interview I don't know where to go. What to ask. How to proceed. This good-looking, clean-cut guy has a story beyond anything I can imagine, but at the same time it makes me reflect back on my life, my youth, and my stupidity and think "for all practical purposes, this could be me". Carly doesn't appear now (or then) to look like a drug dealer. He doesn't look like someone who "did time" or "has a record" but the fact is, he was, he did, and he does. Moving on ... CA: The beginning was one of the scariest parts. Getting into the federal criminal justice system and seeing how relentless it was. They have a 98% conviction rate and they don't care how they get it. That was a pretty rough time, to be taken from life, family, college, and have no idea what was ahead of me. To be processed through the Federal system meant I sat in county jail for 6 months in Gilchrist County which is awful, a very dungeon-like atmosphere. KC: In the film you mention going into solitary confinement, was that it in the county jail? CA: No, I was transferred to Jessup, GA where I was put on the compound with a co-defendant. As they were trying to get him to witness against my brother, they didn't want me to influence him while in prison so I spent 2 months on the compound and was then given an administrative transfer to solitary confinement. That was where I had a major metamorphosis and transformation. I had to look myself in the mirror and say "okay, what am I doing wrong? Why am I here when all of my friends are graduating college?". KC: Humor me and explain, if possible, what solitary confinement is like. You don't leave correct? No meals, no exercise, nothing? CA: Exactly, they bring everything to you. You don't leave that room for 6 months and that is the hardest. You can't share your thoughts and feelings with anyone and you basically feel forgotten, so I started a schedule and I set some goals. I decided to look at this time in prison as being a positive experience which gave me the time to learn and do anything I wanted to do. I realized that I wanted to learn Spanish so my family sent me a book and I started to study. I studied Spanish, read books, did yoga, all on a schedule that I had set myself. Then I got transferred to Arkansas where I felt like I was walking into the show Oz* and I thought "Okay, now this shit is real". *(TV series chronicling the daily activities of a prison facility and its inhabitants 1997-2003) KC: Why were you transferred again? I am clearly clueless about the prison system (which I always hope to remain). CA: The co-defense did what is called a seperatees. They disperse all the defendants out because you are on the same case to keep you from talking. The prosecution can do that and I was his least favorite. Technically they aren't supposed to move you more than 500 miles from home but that didn't seem to apply for me. All you can do is apply for a transfer and after 18 months of good conduct, hope it goes though. KC: Wow, and what kind of layout and security was this facility? CA: It was a dorm situation. There are levels. US Federal Penitentiary, mediums, lows, and camps. My level was camp because I had no priors and no violence but because of availability and they can pretty much put you wherever they want, I was in a low but it was run like a medium (I still don't quite understand this but hey, I hope I never need to!). It had a lot of illegal immigrants that were being held, and gangs ... lots of gangs. It was mostly Mexican gangs which in a way was good for me. Out of the 2200 there approximately 1800 were Hispanics so it benefited me as I was learning Spanish and I am 1/2 Cuban which also made it better. KC: I can't even imagine how freaking scary it was being in there, especially moving into general population. CA: It was but it just takes time to learn how things work. If you stay away from gambling, drugs, gangs, and punks (guys who dress like girls which is a big deal in there), then you can be okay. I mean you come across the guy who is serving 25 years and just found out that his wife is leaving him for his best friend. Clearly you stay out of his way. (Ya think?) If you stay into positive things you don't really get messed with. When I first got there I learned you have to set the stage. People are sent out to test you and as I looked like a college kid I really had to stand up for myself a few times but eventually you become a veteran and people can look at you and know you are a veteran. KC: Okay so you learned Spanish and you clearly had a lot of time to kill so what came next? CA: Well the first things I wanted to do was to learn Spanish and guitar and I had accomplished that in a year so I'm like, "okay I have 6 years to go, what else can I do with my spare time?". While in prison Carly learned the following: guitar, Spanish, German, Italian, Portuguese, and French. He also studied brain function, accounting, real estate, the English vocabulary, psychology, finance, yoga, and read the classics. He did this in conjunction with his studies of fitness and nutrition. CA: The role of trainer came naturally to me because I had always done athletics so I continued to work on that as well. Sometimes I overdid it, working out 5 times a day, until I found my perfect balance. I focused solely on how far I could push my limits because I never had so much time before to devote to training. When you are working out in prison you get into what is called your "car" as in, "who's car are you going to work out in?". It is kind of a big deal, so as my body started to change people started to approach me to ask me, "What are you doing to get yourself like that? Can we work out with you?". KC: Which I imagine is a great thing for you because clearly you want people to be coming to you for something positive vs. coming to kick your ass!
Carly (Back row: 2nd from right) and teammates in prison, South Carolina
CA: Oh yeah and people respect that. They respected what I was trying to do being so into fitness and nutrition. After two years in Arkansas I was transferred back to camp at Jessup but then left almost immediately to go into what is called the drug program. Entering this is the only way to get time off your sentence if you are eligible, you have no violence, and no gun charges. It is a 9 month class where you say you are an addict no matter what and you can get up to a year off. I got 6 months off and I was sent to South Carolina to complete my sentence.
While I was in the drug program I became friends with a woman who was the head of the program and a very forward thinking individual. We got along very well because I could talk to her like a normal, intelligent human being and you have to be careful with that. Most workers don't want to carry on conversations with you because they don't like the idea that you might think, or they sense, that you are smarter than they are. As I was deep into my training, something told me I should take before and after pictures of the inmates I was working with and she allowed me to do that which was very out of the ordinary. I don't know why I did it but it proved to be beneficial later after my release and I was looking for a job.
Carly upon his release ... sentence over!!!
The first thing I realized upon my release is that no one wants to hire a felon. I applied everywhere before taking a job as a dishwasher. After I did that for a while I contacted a friend of mine who opened a gym. I went to him, showed him the pictures of what I had done and asked for a chance. He had to convince his business partners to give me a chance and they did. I started getting great results immediately and people thought it was some kind of magic. All I did was combine everything I learned in prison and fine tune it and once I did that I had people asking for me and got a lot of referrals. I became their number one trainer. During this time I worked a lot of hours, built a great reputation and saved a lot of money. 3 1/2 years later my friend was thinking about selling and I was debating back and forth because the thought of starting my own business was scary, I had people telling me the economy was bad, etc... but I decided to take a chance and took all the money I'd saved, because the bank wouldn't give me any, and opened Zen Fitness. I've been here since 2009. KC: What a crazy and fantastic story. So before I move on to Unsupersize Me, I have to ask if you have any sound advice for anyone besides the obvious "don't do drugs"? I mean, clearly you were made an example for a reason. I have two stepchildren in their teenage years and while you can pump them full of this information, you have to just hope and pray that some of it sinks in.
CA: That's hard but yes, "don't do drugs"! You have to be aware of consequences, I knew that what I was doing was wrong but the system doesn't care who you are and that is important to know. I suppose the advise would be "be a good person". Something goes off in your head that tells you what you are doing is wrong, you just have to choose to listen to that and make the right choice. Make it a habit because once you start to make it a habit it becomes normal ... but it is hard. KC: Agreed, it is hard and a lot of work to always make the right choice but if you work hard you can enforce it in yourself by simply following your own advice. "Do the right thing" is my mantra. I picked it up from a previous manager and it boils down to that simple comment no matter what you do. If you walk past a piece of paper on the floor you have two choices, walk by it or pick it up and your initial response should be to "do the right thing". Sounds easy doesn't it? (Laughs).
KC: What would you say is the ratio of people who "shouldn't be there" if there is such a thing in a Federal Prison. CA: 70-80%. Most of them are drug offenders as in people who are just trying to make money to survive. The rest are white collar crimes, which is minimum, Internet crimes, bank robbers, etc.. as well as illegal aliens and terrorists. KC: Okay so let's shift back to fitness. You are a personal trainer, business owner, fitness guru, nutritionist and now ... producer. Where did the inspiration for "Unsupersize Me" come from and how did Tracy get involved? (See my previous interview here with Tracy Ryan, star of the film who lost 200lbs. in a year under Carly's direction) CA: In about 2011 I decided that I wanted to make a movie. I thought if I took someone obese and put them through my program that I could make them a "normal size" in a year. I knew nothing about movie making ...at all (laughs) but wanted to do it anyway. I interviewed a few people and I picked Tracy because she was goal oriented, she was interested, and she was tired of being "that way" (Tracy weighed 345lbs. at the start of filming). She knew it was a risk. It was a contractual agreement and we both knew that we had to be dedicated to doing it. I was a business owner and she was working 50-60 hours a week. If I wasn't into it and/or she wasn't doing what I told her to do it would have never worked. We were clear about it in the beginning. I knew I was going to be in a relationship with this person and we had to become a team. I went through a lot with her, she had friends getting mad at her, people were jealous and we had a point early on where the naysayers were criticizing us and saying there was no way we could be getting the results we were. KC: It was interesting because to me it felt a little more realistic than say "The Biggest Loser". I'm not knocking the show but they workout for hours on end which isn't a reality for most people. CA: Well ours too was an extreme weight loss. We weren't working out 8 hours a day but we had a very strict schedule. It is like anything else, it depends on what your goal is. If you want to lose 200lbs. in a year then this is what is required of you and those are the results you will get. (Tracy worked out 2 hours a day, 1 hour of strength training and 1 hour of cardio, and switched to a plant-based diet). KC: At the end of the day this whole life experience has obviously changed you. You have been in prison and used that as a positive tool, own several successful businesses, and have made an award-winning documentary. That is a lot for a 36 year old! Whats next? CA: That part of it (prison) was a time of focusing on myself, learning and perfecting everything I learned. My big focus now is getting into the prison system. I am thinking about doing a documentary about that because it needs to change. It is not about rehabilitation. I want to use my story to show that you can succeed and change and they should encourage learning and give you time off for that. I have now been out of prison as long as I was in. It seems like a different life now but I remember it all very well and it is something that I will clearly never forget.
Valentines day as we know it in most ideologies is a day for someone to express their love to their significant other by giving them overpriced flowers, candy, and high expectations. No I am not being a killjoy, I am being a realist.
I started out like many other little girls by passing out cheap, perforated Valentines day cards in elementary school. In the 1970's you could do that without it causing a war of civil rights or battling some sort of religious issue. As my parents taught me to be fair, I always passed out one to every kid in my class and brought a few extras just in case I forgot someone and could scribble out a name at the last minute before the bell rang. As the years went by and the hormones became more enraged I blossomed into a seriously gawky girl who, until high school, was the tallest kid in the class with huge front teeth, a horrid under bite, glasses and freakishly thick and curly hair that no one knew what to do with ... yuk. Every year when that fateful February 14th would approach I would be envious of the girls who got cards, candy and the stupid "valentinegram" that you could buy from the school store to give to someone else in school. Just another way to make the unpopular kids feel even more unpopular. Did I ever get anything? No, because I was too freaking gawky to have a boyfriend and frankly I wouldn't have dated me either. At least my parents always had a sense of fun and frivolity. No matter what holiday I got a card or a little gift. Be it conversation hearts or an Easter basket I was always taken care of by good old mom and dad ... even into my 20's and even if I lived out of town. That is a pretty cool mom that will mail valentines or an Easter basket a few hundred miles away to a 25 year old "kid".
Now the pressure that is put, usually by girls on guys, on those to indulge heavily in this tradition is kind of maddening. What makes those fucking roses so much more special on February 14th that causes them to have a 500% price increase? Are the sprinkled with cocaine? Do they contain the fountain of youth? Can they cure cancer? Why is there so much undue pressure on these poor saps to deliver? Now I would be lying if I said that I didn't LOVE all holidays, this one included, but have some creativity and come up with something on your own. Chances are if you run into CVS on Valentines day morning to scramble for some last minute bullshit, it will show.
Side note for all holidays: All good gift giving requires is listening to your loved one or friend and actually paying attention to his or her likes. Take notes. It ain't rocket science.
Now on to the good part: the old lonely single spinster. Ah yes, the saddened single girl who feels so left out and is looked upon with pity every time a holiday like this comes along. Poor, dear, girl. Because this sad, sad girl doesn't have a mate she is very likely to loathe the very idea of Valentines day. Why? Because she is wallowing in self-pity. "WHOOOAAAAA ISSS MEEEEE". Whatever. I have had some very nice Valentines days spent with my husband as well as boyfriends of years past. I've also been the recipient of some pretty cheesy gifts, stuffed animals and yes, the last minute CVS box of chocolate. I know that it is the "thought that counts" but when you can tell not much thought went into it, I don't really think that counts. If you don't mean it, don't give it. Since I got married I have entered into a different work industry and my last 4 or 5 Valentines days have been spent working at a boat show in Miami surrounded by drunken sailors and vendors. How very romantic. The best part for me is buying that cheap box of immature, perforated valentines (I am still partial to Hello Kitty) and passing them out to the poor guys (it is, in fact, an industry heavily laden in testosterone) who have to work the show but damn-well-better-remember to call the old ball & chain on the 14th before venturing out to Rumland. Note: Rumland is a real place. It contains rum, ice, over-baked tans, gnarly boat feet, DEEP DEEP cleavage, fried hair, and lots of ridiculous memories that get lost in the night. With all this said I think one of the best Valentines celebrations I have ever had was in 2008 when I was single. I was living in Chicago, still battling depression and trying to get over a failed dating experience (I can't really even call it a relationship so I won't bother). I threw my own Valentines day party and invited a great group of friends over. A few single, but also many couples. Was I envious? Nope, because the simple idea of having a party with great friends meant it didn't matter what the celebration was, it was simply a reason to enjoy good people. I bought totally cheesy decorations and went to town, dolled up with a red dress and busted out hot rollers for nostalgia sake. It snowed like hell and everyone invited came anyway. We ate, drank and took lots of school-dance type dumb-ass posed pics. Sound immature? Yup it was but my guests ranged from age 23-50 and we all had a blast. Once again, my inner 14 year old threw the party and everyone elses inner 14 year old self showed up. ...and MY date? A 13 year old schnauzer mix named Radar... my bestest buddy ever, may he be resting in peace enjoying rum off a swizzle stick in Rainbow heaven or whatever that sappy dead dog poem is.
Grab your friends, grab your partner, your family, your kids, your pets, and have a big old bash to enjoy the celebration of love. Love isn't restricted to a spouse or a boyfriend. Love is universal and our friendships tend to be some of the best kinds of love we can have in our lives. Love your friends in a big way, they are more likely to be true, loyal, long-term, and a good friend is excused from the CVS gift pool drudgery as long as there is a kitsch factor involved! If you have kids, enforce the same. Don't let the "poor little girl" be oh-so-saddened because some jack-ass kid doesn't get her something. YOU get her something and tell her how amazing and awesome she is.
How can you express your love? By giving it to those who are most important to you 365 days a year, because that says a hell of a lot more than overpriced roses. Have an awesome, love filled day!! xoxoxoxoxoxxooxox
We all do, its like the train wreck syndrome. You hate to see the carnage but you can't turn away. Social media has made it a zillion times worse. Someone farts and it is all over Fox News and has 1 million hits on Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube... or all of them and even those lesser known sites that are creeping up every single day.
My goal with this site is to develop it into something grand. To send out a message to people that "Hey, life gives us shit but if you have a positive attitude you can wade nicely through the shit and still come out clean on the other side". Right now life is presenting us all with so many obstacles it is hard to get ahead. Jobs are hard, the economy sucks, and social media has really gone from being a blessing to a curse. Great for business, bad for relationships.
You have to stand up for yourself and be your own voice so that you can be the Last Rat Standing. It is up to you, no one else to make things happen in your life. If you are waiting for the proverbial lottery to hit then you are missing the mark and you'll keep waiting and waiting and waiting. The lottery only happens if you play and the odds are not in your favor (of course that doesn't stop my white trash side from entering the PCH when the emails come across my inbox). You can go broke trying or you can step up and take control of your own destiny.
The more I write, the more exposure I am getting and with a little bit of "fame"(for lack of a better word) comes a little bit of drama. None of us are perfect but we all tend to sit back and point fingers at others and their mistakes, pitfalls, and stupidity, so let me save you the time. Before anyone else decides to find their sinister Snidley Whiplash side and post some info about me, I'll do the honors. I regret some of the things I've done, feel terrible for others, and have asked forgiveness for a lot, BUT our experiences and mistakes shape us, define us, and make us who we are. If we didn't do stupid things life would be boring as hell, the trick is simply ... don't repeat them. So here goes, shit I have done that might make a tabloid:
I've done drugs, several kinds, in my oh-so-experimental teens & 20's. Weed (plenty), crank (gross), cocaine (boring), and ecstasy (expensive and draining). I wasn't an addict but I tried what was offered. Nothing to do with my upbringing AT ALL, simply to do with the company I was keeping. Proof to you parents, pay attention to who your kids are hanging out with. *Unless of course you are Bieber then you are hanging out with your parents.
I drank for 29 years before that stupid, repeated, broken promise of "never again" actually became a reality. Simply one too many pukefests. No rehab, no drama... just quit. It was my third attempt and I'm 3.2 years sober. Third times a charm.
I dated a girl once for about a month. NO I am not gay and NO I am not bi-sexual. I was 23 and she looked like a Backstreet Boy.
I've dated a few married men. Not my proudest moments but lets also point out not theirs either.
I've cheated (on tests and people).
I've lied. If you say you haven't ever lied you are lying to yourself.
I've been depressed. I've been in therapy, it rocked... the therapy not the depression.
I've hit and run (cars NOT people) when I was in my late teens. Fast forward to my 30's & the next time I hit someone not in their presence I left a note and for that I was rewarded with a phone call of appreciation, "I can't believe anyone would leave a note! Its no big deal, don't worry about it". Whew. My car looked worse than hers did.
I've had a one-night stand ... or 2 ... or 3 ... and I emphatically blame that on being horribly bullied and vying for attention from anyone who would give it.
I got arrested when I was 19 for a minor in possession... of the beer that was left in the car when they arrested the driver. I was now in possession of the car and the beer... I believe they call that entrapment.
Now, with that oh-so-shocking list let me say that the simplicity of the list doesn't begin to cover the complexity of the actions. I type before you with my tail between my legs and say, I'm sorry. Sorry for my mistakes and sorry for hurting those that I have hurt. I truly mean that from the bottom of my heart. Before you gasp and criticize please close your eyes, look inward and think about your biggest mistakes and regrets We all have them but are VERY quick to gossip and yak about the person in the news, the tabloids, and worse than that, your friends and family. Two things you should only have to say to someone once: "Thank you" and "I'm sorry". If you need to repeat it over and over the recipient is the one with the problem.
My heart is very open and I always have everyone's best intentions at heart. I actually pray for the crapholes in my life right now because they need it more than I do. I feel sorry for those who don't learn and who don't have anything better to do than cause drama, especially after age 30. It is a good indication of an unhappy individual and life is too short to live that way. Grow up and focus on your OWN problems, leave mine alone. So there, I've aired out the basics of my dirty laundry. I'm sure there are some BIG details in my top 10 list that can certainly add fuel to the fire but hey, we all have a spark waiting to spontaneously combust. Work on your own before you take a match to someone elses. "To thine own self be true" - (Hamlet act 1, scene 3)
"Cute girl, too bad she's so big" I've thought it. I've said it. I am not proud of it. I've had a few friends and acquaintances in my time that have been the internal recipient of that statement. I also should stress that my thought or concern for anyone overweight is not an aesthetic issue, but one purely of health. One of those was Tracy Ryan. I met Tray in the late summer/early fall of 2010. She worked for the catering company that was handling my wedding. I didn't deal with Tracy very much but enough to know that she was one of the above mentioned recipients. Tracy was super friendly and professional, helped with several details (we were not her client) and was a server at the event itself. Sometime after our wedding in October of 2010, Tracy showed up on my "Friends you might know" bar on Facebook. So as with many others that crossed my path I "friended" her. Shortly after the first of 2011, I noticed that Tracy was working on some kind of weight loss program and posting things on Facebook about her progress. I followed her and commented here and there, offering kind words, lots of congrats on milestones and "linking" things she did and said. Now most of us in life encounter a time when we feel a little podgy or thick but you see, Tracy Ryan was 345 lbs. In January of 2011 Tracy was approached about being involved with a weight loss project. She would change to a plant-based diet and work out 2 hours a day with a trainer (one hour cardio, one hour strength training) for one year. No fad diets, no surgery, no supplements. Period. Her reaction? "Sure, what do I have to lose?". She lost 200 lbs. Tracy's weight loss and story was documented in the award winning film "Unsupersize Me". Many of us saw what happened to Morgan Spurlock in his 2004 documentary "Supersize Me", but what does it take to undo that same damage? How does one "Unsupersize" themselves?
Watch the Unsupersize me trailer and GET INSPIRED!
Tracy's journey thrust her together with fitness expert/awesome guy (and now best friend) Carly Asse. Carly is the owner of Zen Fitness in Gainesville, Florida and has a story all his own. Carly was the All-American good guy, honor student, athlete gone wrong. A great guy who got caught up in the wrong situation at the wrong time simply by making the wrong decisions. At age 22 he was arrested with 6 others as a ringleader in an ecstasy drug ring. Carly served 7 years in a federal penitentiary and his first 6 months in solitary confinement. He took this opportunity to do whatever it took to change his life around and make the best of his situation, learn from it, and use it to his advantage. Now he is a very successful multi-millionaire business owner. If I play my cards right, I hope to bring his story to you in 2014.
Unsupersize Me is an amazingly inspiring story. It isn't just a story about weight loss. We follow her weight loss journey but it is presented in such a way that it is a story about erseverance, courage, risk-taking starting over, standing up for yourself, and making big-ass life changes.
I sat down with Tracy to get a little more in-depth look at how her life has changed due to both the weight loss and the success of the movie.
KC: First off, you look amazing! After watching the movie twice I thought to myself, "It appears though she might have a type A personality because she seems to be so okay with this process". Is that true or was that simply the defense mechanism kicking in?
TR: Thanks, it was my defenses. It was all happening so fast and until I saw the movie, I never really saw myself looking like that. Once I realized I looked that way I was really embarrassed. Also, I started dealing with things I never thought I would deal with, I mean, okay I am working out and eating different things but my main struggles were mental and social. I lost a lot of friends, after 3 months I lost my job, and the guy I was dating dumped me because I was losing weight and he liked "larger ladies". The friends I was hanging out with were unhealthy for me 'cause I wasn't going to go hang out at the all-you-can-eat wing night anymore! Once I started feeling better I started demanding a little more from both my friendships so I needed to rebuild that circle.
KC: Did you ever want to quit?
TR: (Look at me like I am insane) ... OF COURSE! But it was never the workouts, it was all emotional
KC: I noticed that there was no mention of your family in the film. Was that for a reason? Are you cool to chat about that now?
TR: When I was approached about the project, Carly wanted to have my family as part of the film and I immediately said "no way". I didn't want them to be put in the public eye because of what I was doing and to be ridiculed for my upbringing, eating habits, you know.
KC: Were you always heavy?
TR: Yeah, my whole family is heavy and it is heart wrenching to watch. We are Italian so when we were growing up someone would invite you over and your response is immediately "What meat can I bring? What cheese can I bring? I'll make the ziti!". Being from an Italian household it goes without saying that you respect your parents. I think by doing this they thought I was trying to be better than them. They couldn't understand who this guy (Carly) was that was making me make such drastic changes in my life but now they simply realize that I am cut from a different cloth. I feel good so I am going to do whatever makes me feel good.
KC: What about the food side of things? Are there any foods you miss? I mean, you went totally plant based (another term for Vegan), plus you work in food service (Tracy is a catering manager at a local hotel/conference center) so I imagine it is a catch 22 being around food all day, much of which you no longer eat.
TR: I have worked in food service all my life so I am used to it. My TV is still always on the Food Network and I still get Bon Appetit magazine.
KC: As I watched the film I thought "Could I do it? Go vegan?" but he first thing that comes to mind is ... I don't think I could give up the cheese! (TC laughs) So do you miss any particular food?
TR: Yeah, seafood. But let me say first, I realized I was an emotional eater which most people are. I recall myself leaving work and heading to Fresh Market to buy a marinated steak. Then I would go to the liquor store, buy a bottle of wine, get some truffles, and, oh yeah, maybe a gourmet cheese and THAT would be dinner like, 5 nights a week. I would have such a stressful day at work that I felt like I deserved it. I grew up very poor so with my job at the time I was making good money and felt like I could treat myself. I ate red meat/steak every night so I don't crave steak now because I associate it with all of those stressful days. The seafood thing took me a while to figure out but it was because I associated it with my childhood. Growing up some of the best times were on Sunday mornings at my house. When I got old enough to choose whether or not to go to church, my mom gave me that choice and my dad would come in and whisper in my ear, "You can go to church or you can come fishing with me", so there you go, DONE! Fishing it is. Those were really great memories. Now that I don't eat fish anymore I quickly realized that I could put Old Bay Seasoning on a shoe and it would make it taste good! I also get creative with cocktail sauces on potatoes and veggies. It all comes down to getting creative with your food.
Tracy proudly wears her milestone on her back!!!
KC: In the film you talk a little about your childhood. You are about a generation behind me (Tracy is 32 at the time of interview and old Last Rat Standing is 45) but I know that when I was growing up to see a 345lbs. person on the street was unheard of. Now it is almost sadly normal. Do you feel the culture shift?
TR: Totally! Hindsight is 20/20 and what people don't get is the emotional side to eating. Right now there is this huge movement pushing all of these terms like big is beautiful, big & sassy, and fluffy. They are making it this way to instill confidence in young girls like it's okay to be this way, encouraging them to be "loud and proud" and NO! It is not okay, it is totally unhealthy! There is an underground culture that is embracing it and I was in it. I didn't see any reason to lose weight because the push is out there now to make it okay and cool. Look at clothes, I hated clothes shopping because there were no hip and trendy clothes. It wasn't cool. It was all big old lady clothes with flowers and bold patterns. I would go to the fabric store, buy patterns for wrap skirts and then get the craziest fabrics I could find to make a million different wrap skirts and I was 14. Now you can find them anywhere because it is pushed onto society that it is normal and okay to be obese.
KC: Look at Torrid, apparently that is a hip and trendy "big girls" store catering to Goths.
(*Note: I did a little research AFTER I wrote this interview and Torrid doesn't only cater to "Goths" as it once did, it is branded as "Plus size fashion for women size 12-28")
TR: (Laughs) Oh yeah, very fat AND angry, that does wonders for your self-esteem! I see these women and girls on the streets and I want to embrace them all and say, "I hear what you are screaming". I was there and when I finally realized it, it was a slap in the face.
KC: So do you feel like you have had 2 different lives? I mean is there like a before and after effect? I have lost 35lbs. from my heaviest weight so I understand the struggles of diet and weight loss but nothing to that extreme so clearly there are things that you can do now that you couldn't do before.
Before and after her 200lb. weight loss
TR: Totally. I constantly have things happen that I never even thought about. I bent over the other day in my car to tie my shoe and there was no way I could have done that at 345lbs. After the weight loss I bought my first winter coat! I didn't really plan it but it got cold and I thought "shit, where is my fat coat?". I want to buy some boots this year because when you are really heavy your calves won't fit into boots. Recently I put on a necklace that used to need an extender and I didn't need it! I was so excited because I didn't really think about my neck getting smaller! I still want to ride a roller coaster and I have yet to try tubing again (Tracy tells about her first and only tubing experience in the film) but it is on my list.
KC: You started running which is documented as clearly being a challenge but as I have followed you since then I know you have continued to run (She has run one marathon and 7 half-marathons) so what is next for you?
Tracy at the finish line of the Marine Corps Marathon 2013
TR: Wow, there is so much. To start I took a year to lose the weight, the next year I paid off my credit card debt, now my goal is to "pay it forward". I am on the board of directors of "Girls on the Run" which is a non-profit organization that teaches girls grades 3-8 to "break out of the girl box" meaning you don't have to be like anyone else and you don't have to conform to anyone else, you just have to be a really good you. All of my negative features that led to my obesity were because people would say things like "Why aren't you like that person?". When I was a kid in PE I would get made fun of because the kids would lap me around the track but my thinking was "Hey, I'm out here doing something so what does it matter?".
KC: The film has won 4 film festival awards and now you are doing public appearances. Do you feel a little like a rock star? How are you handling the exposure?
TR: It's insane. The appearances keep coming and we have to do Q&A sessions. At first I was thinking "What do I say? Hi, I was fat, I lost a lot of weight, now I'm not fat?". It is super weird to watch the film with other people. Now Carly and I bounce off each other to answer questions that are good for both of us. There are things that I am uncomfortable answering and vice verse.
KC: So do you feel any kind of career shift coming? Public speaking maybe?
TR: I don't know. I do know that I've gotten TONS of vegan catering requests. I have 18 on the books for this year and I love it! Before the film a bride and groom would come in and one of them would be a vegan or vegetarian. They would usually say "Go ahead and serve chicken because that is what the guests will want to eat." and now they say "No, it's my day and they can be a vegan/vegetarian for one day". My response is "Right on girl!".
You can download or purchase a copy of Unsupersize Me here or at the link on my sidebar and follow Tracy on the Unsupersize me Facebook link here.
The new year tends to bring on resolutions. I have learned from my past that if I try to set some big January 1st goal that it often fizzles out. Not by a certain date, but because my brain is usually so full that it simply forgets the task at hand. I have a more in depth blog post coming in the next few weeks but due to recent personal activities wanted to post something now to address some thoughts in my head. Before you decide you want to lose weight, change your diet, quit smoking, etc... start by looking at your attitude towards yourself and life. We set these goals and don't follow through. We set dates and times and then beat ourselves up when we slip. Are you really ready mentally to make that change? Did someone else tell you to make that change? What is the motivation? Is it yours or someone elses? Change is hard and scary which is why many of us avoid it at all costs. We are told we are too fat, thin, drunk, but unless WE are ready for the change, the change won't be successful. Do what it is that is most comfortable to YOU and what will make YOU the most happy. By saying that I am not condoning running out and getting high because it makes you feel good, I am talking about being happy, healthy, and feeling good NATURALLY. We are not all blessed with good genes or good surroundings and sometimes a combination of both being bad makes us feel doomed. Remember that YOU are the only one fully in control of your own change. Unless you have reached the extreme and need to seek out help professionally with anything, start by looking inward to own up to yourself and your feelings. It is scary but once you get past it the sky is the limit. There seems to be an insurgence of groups, and people who realize that the world is in such a bad place that the focus needs to be on the positive. As my last post states, release the past and live for the present moment as that is all that matters right here and now. Surround yourself with good, positive, like-minded people and things that will bring you joy, luck, and allow you to succeed. We made a vow on December 31st to release all of the negative drama, people, and situations that were holding us down and to move forward with all things positive as much as we possibly can. Life is short and can be very sweet if you allow it to. Don't make a resolution for 2014, make a resolution for life.
