Frozen

Dreams. My head is full of them.

I've been a singer, a dancer (tap is my preferred style), an activist, a corporate executive, an astronaut, a fashionista, a producer, a writer, a stand up comic and a millionaire. 

These aren't the dreams we have during the night when we enter stage 4 sleep (REM ...the sleep cycle not the band) but the daydreams. The ones we purposely create in our heads. My nighttime dreams are something more like this:

I'm riding the Shock Wave at Six Flags Over Texas and suddenly I'm standing outside the band hall in middle school selling Girl Scout cookies ...naked.

So the daydreams are clearly a little less disturbing and misguided. They may never become reality but in my head they are crystal clear and as real as the screen I am typing on. Question is, WHY aren't they a reality? We tell our friends and kids things like "If you put your mind to it and work hard, you can be anything you want to be".  So why the hell can't I practice what I preach?



Someone told me a few months ago that I would make a good life coach.  I take it as a very nice compliment but seriously? 

As I am getting older and the middle age years are present, I realize that the clock is ticking and if I don't move on some of the things I dream about they will remain only that ...dreams.
Scary. 

I dread waking up at 60 or 70 and thinking "why the hell didn't I ______?".

And what really smacks me across the face with that idea is watching those around me entering their golden years without a big accomplishment behind them or in sight, or better yet, people who have worked so hard to build something that they can't let it go enough to enjoy retirement ... and will work to death.  

Now everyone is not cut out for the stage or to become a professional athlete. Simply being a parent is enough for some. But what about those of us who do have the big dreams and don't act upon them? What could possibly stop me from flying to the moon? Well OK so my eyesight is shit and so are my geometric math skills, but beyond that why not?

Because I become frozen. Frozen with fear. 

Anything successful takes hard work. Hard work and in many cases failure and rejection. No one likes to be told no, you suck, go away. But the ones who succeed usually do so after oodles and oodles of attempt, rejection, and sometimes failure ...lots of failure. 

Look at that Dyson guy? "I tried 5000 prototypes that were all wrong...." (To paraphrase the Brit) and every time I see that ad I think "because you are an idiot! How can it take 5000 tries to build a vacuum?... You turn it on, it sucks shit up! it's not rocket science!"  

Aha! But as I get older and think a little harder about it I realize that those 5000 prototypes are the way he PERFECTED the stupid vacuum cleaner and can now charge astronomical prices for said vacuum because he made it the best, after 4999 failures.

I am a Libra. Smack in the middle of my sign. This doesn't mean I am totally even and my scales balance out perfectly, it means I am a wishy washy mess. I have started a million projects and let them softly fade into the distance. I go full tilt, head on, balls to the wall into them and then POOF! They are gone, or at least faded into the distance. Out of boredom, disinterest, or because the next big thing poked its head into my overflowing brain.  

I've been to at least 4 different colleges, one trade school, and one "vocational" training. I dropped out of 3 of the 4 schools and the 4th was for continuing education. That's kind of funny, how does one continue what they never finished in the first place?  The only program I actually went through from start to finish was my 200hr Yoga teacher training and I still teach today. 

So maybe it's age. Age and wisdom. The wisdom to know that if I pay for something, I'd better parachute into it to get my monies worth. Dropping college classes is no biggie when someone else is footing the bill but once you pay on your own, screw that shit. 

So now what? I'm 45 and doing a job I'm not really jazzed about (no, not the yoga!). My creative side has been stifled and it is getting lost in the back of my brain. As I started this blog I had no idea where to go with it but as I'm doing more interviews I realized I like telling stories. Mine, yours, theirs. 

I want to share stories to the world. Stories of life, trauma, experience. Stories of illness and wellness. Stories of love and loss. 

I have a new dream. A reachable one, an obtainable one. A successful one? We'll see. At this stage in the game I would rather try and fail than not try at all.  

So I embark on yet another new venture in my convoluted, confused life. I am a storyteller and I want it to turn into something big, something HUGE! I have some whoppers to share and many of you have already said you'd be willing to share your stories with me and my audience.  I have many layers of this project in my head screaming to get out so I will continue to release them as and when the time is right.  This time in an orderly fashion, with careful planning, and hopefully without too much fear. 

I have a quote from Amy Poehler that I posted at my desk at least a year ago, I look at it and read it but until now I don't think I absorbed it: 

"Great people do things before they're ready"

Yes we do.  

I have unfrozen.