Now it is a convenience for anyone who watches too much reality TV to think that it is quite easy to marry someone and just as easy to divorce them after 17 weeks.
"Did you see the way he was lookin' at her? I wanna divorce, MO**** FU****!"
My husband & I own a marine rigging company. Just one of many MANY hats I wear. As my life is like a tilt-o-whirl out of control I have a million things floating around in my head at all times... in violent circles and a lot of them revolve around boat parts which is how we come to the analogy below.
Marriage is like rigging ... ( PSST! Welcome to boating 101. Rigging is the wires that hold up the mast of a sailboat which is the big stick thingy that holds up the sail. Got it? Okay moving on ...)
Rigging has about a 10-12 year life span due to life expectancy of the materials. If a piece of rigging breaks when the boat is under sail the results can be catastrophic. These are like the arteries of the rig. One breaks and the mast can come crashing down causing injury or death. Just like in marriage, you cant always see the problem. With rigging we tend to hear customers say "it looks good" or, "my rigging is 20-30 years old and its fine!" (usually by an old crusty sailor who won't be told any different). Think about it ... your wife, your husband, your life. 3, 5, 10 years into your marriage ... It's NEW! It's EXCITING! It's FUN! (if you're lucky, or dull as hell if you're not) but as it gets older you kind of forget about it, you take it for granted, you let it ride out the storm (pun intended) and you don't maintain it. Rigging damage doesn't typically occur in the strands of wire but where the wire connects to the fittings. They get stressed under load, they crack, and they get what is called crevice corrosion (and NOBODY likes a corroded crevice). These are internal problems, you can't see them. Things look fantastic on the outside but are breaking down and cracking from the inside. You have to replace them before they stress to their maximum load.
NO THIS IS NOT AN ENDORSEMENT FOR DIVORCE!!!!!!
You need to take care of them, you need to watch over them, keep them as shiny and new for as long as you can and when the time comes to replace them do so before it is too late.
Replace: Bad feelings for good ones
Replace: Put downs for compliments
Replace: Selfish for Share nice and you can play in my sandbox
Replace: Divorce brain to make this shit work brain
Replace: Silence for speak
Replace: Anger for LOVE
You made a vow to love, cherish and honor that person 'til death do you part. If you didn't take your vows seriously when you made them, than you should have never hitched the wagon in the first place.
3 weeks ago I celebrated my 3rd wedding anniversary . Since we married we've lost jobs, been sued, and had more dysfunctional family drama than most people have in a lifetime.
Has it been easy? No. Has it been hard? Beyond belief.
I took 42 years (old maid) to find my first and only husband. Why? Because that's the hand I was dealt.
I had the fairy tale dreams, monstrous wedding, white picketed fence, 2 kids (one of each) fantasies when I was a kid but that just simply isn't the way life worked out and it is okay by me. I had time to have fun, be an asshole, make a LOT of stupid mistakes and moved on (Cliff notes version).
Then in 2008 I met a man with an accent who changed my life.
When we got married we had to undergo 6 sessions with our pastor. He wasn't a counselor or a therapist but as he put it, "I am a realist". One of the first things he did was to provide us with some statistics:
"Based on current stats in the US, your marriage has a 50% rate of survival". Holy shit. Because my husband was on his second marriage and I had been in a long term relationship (9 years), our survival rate dropped even lower. The odds were and still are against us. The biggest piece of advice he gave that still sticks with me was "don't lose sight of who you are as an individual".
You will live your lives together, make decisions together, and have fun together, but don't forget to keep doing what ever it is that YOU enjoy doing to keep you happy and sane. Keep your own internal flame lit and be sure to respect that same time and space for your spouse. That doesn't mean go out and get shitfaced every night with your friends because that is what makes YOU happy. You create boundaries and trust with one another and that all comes with respect for your marriage.
Live your lives with respect for each other as human beings. We are no better than the other person. We all bleed the same.
Go into marriage with the intention of forever. It is better to back out before you take the plunge than to dive in and become another statistic. If you are young (20's) take time to get to know this person and make the right decision. Don't rush marriage because you are so blinded by the excitement of a ring and a wedding day. It won't always be that glorious wedding day under the sun. Rings tarnish, the flowers die, and the anniversaries start to stack up.
Once you unpack that suitcase & write the thank-you notes, real-life starts back up again. They don't say "the honeymoons over" for nothing.
Marriage is HARD. Marriage is WORK.
So regardless of what we have been through so far and what is yet to come, I only want to do this once. I made a vow and I intend to keep it.
Come hell, high water, or mentally dysfunctional family.
For those of you already married just remember that you took a solemn vow in front of your spouse, your friends and family, your officiant, and your "God" (insert your own format here_____). Don't think about divorce until you have worked yourself to the bone in order to save it. Divorce is easy, marriage is hard. Are you a hard worker or a quitter?
Do whatever it takes to maintain your "marital rigging" so it will be there alongside you to support you forever and be the best spouse you can possibly be. xo
